Why I Stay
by Shuri 'in a world of black and white
Summary: Why stay? Why fight? For who, or what? If you don't belong somewhere, does that mean you can't stay there? Or do people have reasons why they stay?


_Yes, sorry, I _am_ trying to update my other fics... But I took a break from my stressful school life and wrote this.  
Thanks to my readers and reviewers, you guys seriously make my day...!_

_Disclaimer: The things I could do _IF_ I owned Gundam Seed...

* * *

_

He could not remember the last time he smiled a real smile. Neither could he remember the last time he laughed a true laugh. The whole war had eaten up his soul and others'…and there was almost no one who remembered the last time they were completely happy.

Yes, he had seemed to be the smartass fool of the group. And he was. Just that the stupid way he acted was not completely true. It was a desperate attempt to keep everyone else's spirits up. A desperate attempt to make that suffocating atmosphere a teeny little bit lighter. A way of trying to remind people about the happier times…that it wasn't _always_ like this.

But how ironic was that, when he himself had almost forgotten what life really was like? He was as consumed, if not more, as the other people by the war. His father was in the Council, so he was aware of the conflict coming before most of the citizens. He enrolled in the military academy, so he learned more about the actual fighting …and _killing_… than other people.

Now that he was _in_ ZAFT, he knew more about what the battlefield really was like compared to others.

There hadn't been a night when he hadn't tossed and turned, trying to fall asleep, and regretting the choice he made in enlisting. He couldn't tell this to the others, of course. He would have been skinned alive by his comrades…or by one who was particularly vicious, at least.

Why _did_ he enlist, anyway? Because his father kept saying there were not enough soldiers in ZAFT? His father used to do that once in a while, when he got crashed by alcohol. That only started a few years back, or so the shards of memories he still keeps tells him. His father did not touch a drop of alcohol ever before, let alone get drunk in front of his family. But when the tension started rising, he started seeing the old man crying, ranting, and being bitter.

Or was it because his best friend left half way through high school to join the academy? They had grown up together, and no one could escape from the pranks they played every other week or so. His crazy buddy, who suddenly became solemn once the war started. Who didn't even bother to tell him beforehand about enlisting, and suddenly disappeared from his life.

Or was it because of his ex, whose older brother was killed in Junius 7? She was a carefree, happy girl when they met, but since that tragedy a dark shadow of bitter despair haunted her eyes. The deep, _deep_ bloodlust lying within her scared him out of his mind, and they broke up weeks after that.

Or was it because he couldn't think of anything else to do with his life, unlike the majority of the people he came across?

Perhaps, that was why he ended up in a place where he _knew_ he didn't want to be in. He knew that joining ZAFT meant a career of killing. But he didn't realize how that mattered until he was actually out there.

The MS simulations were fun, because he knew the opponents he was bombing down were virtual and unreal.

The actual piloting, _without_ opponents, was also fun. It was pretty cool to have all that power in your hands.

The actual _shooting_, not so much. He tried convincing himself that they were just naturals, and they started it anyway…by attacking Junius 7. But no matter how he tried, his ex's eyes stayed in his subconscious, reminding him of their families' anguish.

Then why didn't he just quit? Go back somewhere, somewhere peaceful and quiet… Trying to remember how happiness really felt like, instead of staying in the grim field, faking gayness to breathe some air?

No. _No_. He couldn't do that either. Because no matter how much he _knew_ he hated it, that feeling had also faded away with the smiles and laughs and happiness. They were just all weathered pieces of distant memories that were covered by a thick layer of numbness.

This battleship had become his home. The battlefield had become his workplace. And his comrades had become his family. He fought for ZAFT and lived for his team. The team of unhappy children like him.

There was no leaving them. Because that was the only vivid part of _anything_ he had left, and that was the only thing he could feel the pain for losing. The only thing that was even close to feeling _real_.

The war had taken much from everyone. Life had taken much more. And those things were never to be regained.

"Dearka! There you are!"   
A voice that sounded like a girl's brought the boy out of his trance. He turned right, only to see three of his comrades standing at his door. As he had guessed, it was the youngest who called out to him; the chairman's son was rolling his eyes while the platinum blonde scowled.  
"Nicol, Athrun …Yzak. Weren't you in the training room?"  
"We were, until half an hour ago. Do you really expect us to work out for three hours straight?"  
"……You _idiot_."

The closest thing to a smile he remembered crept into his expression. Yes, this was his family. _This_ was his home.

"So what now?"  
"……The chess match. I don't think I can handle this on my own."  
"Nicol, what the _hell_ is that supposed to mean?"  
"You two end up in a fist fight _every_ time! I'm not getting hurt trying to stop you…"  
"As in, _Yzak_ always starts it. I'm a peaceful person."  
"_What_? I'll beat you _this_ time, Athrun…"

_This_ was how everyday went. Just another perfectly day, where he belonged.

"Alright, Nicol. Since you need my help that bad, I guess I'll witness that match."  
The closest thing to a laugh he remembered found its way out his throat. One of his comrades …in fact, the one he was closest to… were growling at him, but that didn't really matter.  
"Come on then, Yzak. Let's go to the common room…"  
"_Stop_ ordering me around, Athrun. I know what I'm doing."

If there was any reason he enlisted at all, it was to meet these people: a little innocent kid, a perfectionist boy, and an obnoxious teen. They weren't the perfect people to hang out with, but he knew they were the only reason he remained in the bloodstained battlefield.

They were what he wanted to protect.


End file.
